To other parents who’ve lost children…
Some of those who have visited this site have been others parents who have lost their children, due to gun violence, car accidents, disease, suicide, or other causes.
I’d like to share a few suggestions with those who are visiting for that reason. But first let me say that I am certainly not an expert in this field, only someone who has had to weather this horrendous storm. One thing I would certainly recommend to any parent is that they read books on the subject. Having said that, I have to admit that I did not do so. I do not have the patience to sit down and read books, and especially would have found it hard to do so in those first few weeks after Daniel’s death. (But my wife did do quite a bit reading, and she shared some with me.)
I don’t think there is any universal advice that I, or anyone, could give you. Certainly professionals can provide you much help. Here I will simply suggest three things that I believe are critical.
- Within the first few days after the Columbine tragedy, we were offered crisis counseling. I still recall one of the first things a counselor told me: we all grieve differently, and spouses will often grieve differently; don’t let that tear you apart! I think this is something that you’ll need to get tuned in to right away. After all, an alarming number of couples who lose a child end up divorced. So, accept the fact that you may grieve differently.
- See a grief counselor. I know that some parents say they don’t need to see a “shrink,” or that their family will support them…Okay, have your doubts, and use your family, but also see a counselor at least two or three times, then decide if it’s worth it to get that outside view of how you’re doing. And, if you don’t connect with a particular counselor, dump them! That happened to us. We went for one session with someone recommended to us. He talked and listened and shared his perspective with us, but we just didn’t connect, so we found someone else.
- Examine how your faith can help you. There can be a wide range of responses, from those who say they overcame their grief thanks to their faith, to those who are extremely “angry at God.” Our faith had a big role in our healing, as indicated in the comfort pages and the story of the "signs" we feel we received.
As for me, there are those who say “Daniel is in a better place and away from this pain...” As a practicing Christian, I believe that Daniel is in a better place, and there is some comfort in that. But as a father and a mortal on this earth I do not WANT Daniel in another place, damn it! I want him here! I do not believe that “God called Daniel home,” as some like to say. I do not believe that our loving Creator would want to take our child from us. Rather, Daniel left this earth due to the faults and violence of this mortal earth. We are all responsible for that, to some small extent. God gives us choices.
- But the biggest piece of advice I can give is this: do not allow yourself to fall into interminable grief, for that is NOT want your child wants!!! Think of what your departed child wants, not what YOU think the world around you might expect of you. There are those whose grief completely overwhelms them and ruins their life. Why? Allowing that to happen is like saying, “This is what my child would want of me. My child would expect me to live the rest of my life as a sad and defeated person.” Hogwash!!! I don’t think there are many kids who would wish that upon you. If they loved you, they’d wish no such thing. They would want you to honor and remember them, and to be happy. Would they not?
That is not to say that it’s “life as usual” or that you should not grieve. No, you should grieve, and your life won’t be the same with that empty spot. But you should also honor your child in the things you do to better yourself and others in their name; you should still speak of them without caring how others respond to it; and you should continue to find happiness in your life, and thank your departed child and your Creator for allowing you to find it despite the pain in your heart.
And, as I point out elsewhere in the website, if you find pleasure and solace in music, I encourage you to check out a CD recorded by a musician, Cindy Bullens, who lost her daughter.
